Sunday, November 9, 2008

Nope. This Did Not Happen. Nope.

Mariah Carey remained pure until she married Nick Cannon

Mariah Carey made Nick Cannon wait until they were married before they had sex according to WENN.

She says, "It's not that we had no intimacy. It's just me, and my feelings.

"I definitely don't want to push it on anybody else. But we both have similar beliefs, and I just thought that it would be so much more special if we waited until after we were married. And it was, and it still is."

Dear Mariah Carey,
Nope. That did not happen. Nope.


Monday, July 28, 2008

If You Love Something, Emasculate It.


Dear MSNBC and Mariah Carey,
So, so, so sorry Nick can't be more like someone with limited credits who only plays himself. And while we're at it, Mariah, he seems to have made it in 3 industries (music, film, tv) while you've only managed to fuck your way to the top of one (music?).


Tuesday, July 8, 2008

Nick Cannon Uses Finger Guns to Illustrate Sarcasm in Headline

Marriage is the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me

In a heartwarming display of paying lip-service in an effort to maintain the lifestyle to which he has quickly become accustomed, NC gushed to reporters that his marriage to Mariah Carey is "amazing." In Vegas, sans his amazing wife, Cannon even went so far as to show up to The Nightclub Friday wearing his wedding ring.

"Big ups to all my haters," indeed.

Tuesday, June 3, 2008

The Fierce Gay Jew Liberal Media Agenda

"In the month since Nick Cannon’s became Mr. Mariah Carey, he’s racked up some high-priced purchases. But who’s really paying for them? According to the National Enquirer, all the designer duds and other treats come courtesy of his new wife’s bank account.

“Nick’s having a field day with Mariah’s moolah!” a friend of the diva told the Enquirer. “His head is spinning with the possibilities her black Amex card affords. For now, Mariah is being indulgent with his spending spree, but at the same time, it’s sent up a red flag.”

Shortly after the wedding, the actor-rapper was even seen test-driving a $120,000 Maserati Quattroporte. “He already has at least six luxury cars, including a Rolls-Royce Phantom and a Cadillac Escalade,” the insider said. “So why would he need another set of wheels? He’s taking advantage of Mariah’s generosity.”

Another Mariah pal points to Nick’s wedding bling, a heavily bejeweled band, as the sort of thing he expects Mariah to provide. “It’s garish and tacky — and yet another example of Nick’s extravagance at Mariah’s expense," the source told the magazine. “It’s as if Nick is trying to spend as much as he can as fast as he can — because deep down he knows the gravy train could stop at any time.”


1) You just quoted the National Enquirer as a source, so way to go on that

2) Why is it every time a black man acts intelligently you have to find some negative spin to put on it? He works hard for the money. Treat him right.

3) Any article about Nick Cannon that does not mention at least one of his many upcoming music and/or film endeavors is inherently flawed, biased, sloppy, poorly researched and pointless.

4) Hating bi-racial couples is sooooo 2004. Don't make me make you watch 'Crash' again. No body wants that.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

End of Days

I don't know if you heard, but the worst possible thing has happened.

I'll give you a moment to absorb, process and excrete that . . .

As all slutty, past-its-prime, high-octave storm clouds are custom, this one has a silver lining. We here at YHMASC have obtained the transcript of the custom vows the devoted couple (dating for almost 4 days and counting!) gave to each other in the private ceremony. Enjoy this YHMASC Exclusive!

Priest: During the exchanging of the bling, the couple have written their own vows.

Mariah: I know that you've been waiting for me. I'm waiting too. In my imagination I'd be all up on you. I know you got that fever for me, 102. And boy I know I feel the same. My temperature's through the roof. Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white tee. I'll hug your body tighter than my favorite jeans. I want you to caress me like a tropical breeze and float away with you in the Caribbean Sea. Touch my body. Put me on the floor. Wrestle me around. Play with me some more. Touch my body. Throw me on the bed. I just wanna make you feel like you never did. Touch my body. Let me wrap my thighs all around your waist. Just a little taste. Touch my body. Know you love my curves. Come on and give me what I deserve. And touch my body.

Nick Cannon: I do.

Mariah: Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah. Oh yeah oh yeah. Oh oh oh oh yeah

Priest: Now the groom . . .

Nick Cannon: Dime piece definition of a chick:Nice, sweet educated independent fly thang. Way she filling up dem jeans gotta tear drop like Visine. Like, WHOOP, shawty stuck it out had da touch it. OOPS, I could make it juz jump in my COUPE. Wit a diamonds and jewels, I see Jimmy Choo in yo designer shoes. Momma listen, u ain't neva heard a flow like diz one. Who u kno Gigalo and still Christian? Lil shawty stop tripping if Don Juan a bishop, why Nick cant be pimping? Chick, please, I'm juz trynna get in your Vickies. Wait take a minute take a flick juz FREEZE. Cuz u kno da Cannon be flashing. I'm getting more head den a aspirin. I'm asking are u a dime? It's like taste wut? Lick who? Daz wut Nick do. Got a lot of chicks dat love my sick moves. Do wut a pimp do, move how a pimp do move. Get a tattoo, ma use my initials. Now we got issues and rumors da clear up. Sex real loud, next room dey can here us. I'm looking for a dime dat can take the whole 9. Check the sex tapes if you think I'm lying. Are you a dime?

Mariah: I do.

Priest: By the power vested in me, I know pronounce you Pimp and Dime Piece. You may now kiss the bitch.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

A Welcome Home Present *

So as we here at YHMASC are often want to do, we recently found ourselves downloading a LOT of gay porn from an illegal (shhhhh!) file sharing website. As is usually the case, it was a mixed bag -- some stuff we'll save for Valentine's Days yet to come, some stuff had to be deleted. But one very special video caught our eye for more reason than one.

Stick with us here, we promise this is going somewhere.

In the mad-dash for as much booty (pun intended) as possible, someone accidentally clicked on a download with the illustrious title: "Gay - Jeff Palmer Hardcore - Hot Desert Knights Hdk - Bareback Nasty"

For those who don't know, "Bareback" refers to the lack of condom usage in the film, and "Nasty" refers to things you can't un-see, no matter how many showers or trips to church. Jeff Palmer is somewhat of a low-level star in the porn world known for being into some kinky stuff.

And let me tell you, Hot Desert Knights does not disappoint. Though I failed to see any suits of armor or round tables, there was fisting a'plenty. In the big climax, a young gentleman by the name of Tom Finn (not one for originality), takes Mr. Palmer's arm in his rectum well past the elbow while two other men urinate on him.

Here is the title screen of the film:

Here is Mr. Palmer:

But why, oh God, why would we feel the need to share this with you? :


*have a safe flight sauce. see you soon