Thursday, May 1, 2008

End of Days


I don't know if you heard, but the worst possible thing has happened.



I'll give you a moment to absorb, process and excrete that . . .


As all slutty, past-its-prime, high-octave storm clouds are custom, this one has a silver lining. We here at YHMASC have obtained the transcript of the custom vows the devoted couple (dating for almost 4 days and counting!) gave to each other in the private ceremony. Enjoy this YHMASC Exclusive!

Priest: During the exchanging of the bling, the couple have written their own vows.

Mariah: I know that you've been waiting for me. I'm waiting too. In my imagination I'd be all up on you. I know you got that fever for me, 102. And boy I know I feel the same. My temperature's through the roof. Boy you can put me on you like a brand new white tee. I'll hug your body tighter than my favorite jeans. I want you to caress me like a tropical breeze and float away with you in the Caribbean Sea. Touch my body. Put me on the floor. Wrestle me around. Play with me some more. Touch my body. Throw me on the bed. I just wanna make you feel like you never did. Touch my body. Let me wrap my thighs all around your waist. Just a little taste. Touch my body. Know you love my curves. Come on and give me what I deserve. And touch my body.

Nick Cannon: I do.

Mariah: Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah. Oh yeah oh yeah. Oh oh oh oh yeah

Priest: Now the groom . . .

Nick Cannon: Dime piece definition of a chick:Nice, sweet educated independent fly thang. Way she filling up dem jeans gotta tear drop like Visine. Like, WHOOP, shawty stuck it out had da touch it. OOPS, I could make it juz jump in my COUPE. Wit a diamonds and jewels, I see Jimmy Choo in yo designer shoes. Momma listen, u ain't neva heard a flow like diz one. Who u kno Gigalo and still Christian? Lil shawty stop tripping if Don Juan a bishop, why Nick cant be pimping? Chick, please, I'm juz trynna get in your Vickies. Wait take a minute take a flick juz FREEZE. Cuz u kno da Cannon be flashing. I'm getting more head den a aspirin. I'm asking are u a dime? It's like taste wut? Lick who? Daz wut Nick do. Got a lot of chicks dat love my sick moves. Do wut a pimp do, move how a pimp do move. Get a tattoo, ma use my initials. Now we got issues and rumors da clear up. Sex real loud, next room dey can here us. I'm looking for a dime dat can take the whole 9. Check the sex tapes if you think I'm lying. Are you a dime?

Mariah: I do.

Priest: By the power vested in me, I know pronounce you Pimp and Dime Piece. You may now kiss the bitch.